Your family is your primary place of ministry. You’re called to love your spouse and care for your children first.
As a third generation pastor myself, (a Preacher’s Kid who was raised by a Preacher’s Kid who raised Preacher’s Kids) I have a lot at stake in this.
In this guest article, adapted from his new book, Bivomentum: Supporting and Encouraging Pastors with Multiple Callings, Matthew O. Collier offers some timely help for every pastor who’s also a parent.
— Karl Vaters
There is no more important role that you will play in your kids’ lives than in your commitment to shepherding them toward Jesus.
You are their pastor because you are their dad, not just because you work at their church. The New Testament qualifications for pastors include the ability to teach, the ability to manage his household, and the ability to keep his children submissive (1 Tim. 3:1-5). It’s a daunting task, but pastors often follow one of two extremes.
They either ignore their kids’ spiritual development because they are too focused on growing the church, or they obsess over it to the point that the kids can’t wait to leave home and get away from all the church stuff.
Avoid These Extremes
I want my kids to love Jesus, and I want them to know His Word so that when they grow up, they will live for Him only. But I know that growing up in a pastor’s home must be difficult.
They see my inconsistencies. They hear me preach from Scripture on self-control and spiritual maturity and then hear me get frustrated for stupid reasons. I must seem like a hypocrite, when what I really am is a VERY imperfect man trying to serve Jesus the best way I can.
So how do we lead our kids toward Jesus without driving them crazy? I think there are at least three major keys. They need to know you as dad before they know you as their pastor. They need protection from the insane parts of ministry. And they need to understand the blessing that a walk with Jesus really is.
Three Keys
First, make sure your kids know you as Dad before they know you as Pastor. When they make an unwise or sinful choice, it’s not time for a sermon or for calling them out before the church so that everyone can pray for them.
Be their dad first, because when they grow up and move away, you won’t be their pastor anymore. If that’s the only relationship you’ve cultivated with them during their childhood, there will be no relationship to enjoy when they’re grown.
Second, protect your kids from church insanity. Churches are famous for unrealistic expectations, and churches often have at least one parenting “expert” who can tell you, “Well now, Pastor, I know just what your son needs.” Protect them from that mess. Protect their personal space. If Sister Bertha gets offended because little Johnny won’t sit in her lap, that’s her problem.
Your job is to protect your kids and not sit by while your children develop traumatic connections to growing up in church. Being a pastor’s kid is hard enough without all the extra baggage. Protect them from the crazy.
Finally, help them see that their walk with Jesus is not a chore that they MUST do. Rather, it is a blessing that they GET to experience. You must balance the need for spiritual accountability with emphasizing that God is the author of joy and that Jesus is the giver of abundant life (Jn. 10:10).
Being There
I had the blessing of being the parent who tucked the kids in at bedtime.
I was the one who sang, “Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep” from the movie White Christmas when Abigail couldn’t sleep. I sang Eddie Rabbit’s, ‘I Love a Rainy Night,” when the storms kept the kids awake. I told them made-up bedtime stories involving imaginary characters like Daddy Redneck, Professor Myron Q. Hornswaggle, and Abra-Dad Lincoln.
Lately, when praying with Benjamin, I’ve tried to incorporate James 1:17 into every night’s prayer. I want Ben to go to sleep remembering that God gives us every good and perfect gift.
While following Jesus means making hard decisions and choosing the right way rather than the easy way, I pray that my kids always associate the things of God with joy and blessing, not stress and trauma. You can do the same!
(Photo by Jeremy | Flickr)
