When a pastor has a true shepherding heart, we feel what they feel. And when they fail at something . . . it’s easy to feel like we’ve failed, too. Or, even worse, that we’ve failed them, or maybe failed God.
This is the third of four guest articles from pastor Kurt Lammi about the feelings of failure in pastoral ministry.
— Karl Vaters
I remember doing group projects in school. I think we all do.
Few people really enjoyed them. What I remember most is being the person in the group who did all the work while my group mates took the A that I earned for them. They failed while I had to carry their weight.
No one who was in that position when doing group projects enjoyed being the one to carry the group.
In the life of the congregation, sometimes pastoring can feel this way. We are trying to do ministry with a bunch of other people – and sometimes it feels like they aren’t pulling their weight. They aren’t giving as much time or energy or money as they could.
We can become a little resentful of that. Yes, there are people in the congregation who do serve and give – and we are very grateful for those people. But, sadly, that’s not everyone.
Also, as I mentioned in the previous article, When Pastors Fail, we pastors carry the lion’s share of the responsibility in the life of the congregation. Whether we want to be in that role or not, we are the ones who do most of the work in the group project.
Letting People Fail
Sometimes, though, leaders – like pastors – have to let people fail. We have to let our teammates face the consequences of what they did.
Ideally, they will learn from their mistakes and try a different way later, but we all know that’s not what usually happens. Also, we know that we will be affected by the choices they make – and sometimes we don’t want to face those consequences.
Let’s say someone volunteers to do something. We are very thankful for their initiative and their excitement. We cheer them on and tell them to go do that thing. They do the thing – and it doesn’t work out. It “fails” (whatever that looks like).
Maybe, as they were doing it, we saw what could have worked out better. We saw that they should have taken a different approach.
But we didn’t want to rush in and do it for them because 1) that would have discouraged them from seeing this idea through, 2) it would have told them that we know better than they do, so they might not to try again in the future, 3) it wouldn’t have let them learn from their mistakes, and 4) it wouldn’t have shown them that they are responsible for their own choices.
So we sat back and watched this thing “fail.” But instead of learning from their mistakes and trying again later, they threw up their hands and declared that the proverbial “somebody else” can try again next time.
Maybe they even got angry at you for not stepping in to save the day so they decided to leave, to never serve again. The result is that you and the entire congregation get hurt by their behavior.
Letting someone fail can be one of the hardest things for pastors – because it seems to hurt both them and you. It’s very similar to parents who let their kids fail at something so the kids will learn. Yes, the parent could swoop in and change something, but that wouldn’t have been a wise decision.
Speak The Encouraging Word
One of the challenges of pastoring is encouraging people who want to give up. They want someone else to do it. But what they really mean is “anybody but me.”
When pastors encounter people who have tried and don’t want to try again, our call is to speak to them the same words of encouragement and support that we need to speak to ourselves.
Remind the person that God still loves them, that you still love them, and that the people in the congregation still love them. Remind them that God still brings about new life.
If they need time to step aside and nurse their wounded pride for a bit, allow it – but remind them that this is a wound that will heal. It is not a life-threatening injury.
God is known for giving new life to injured, broken, and even dead people – so God can do it for them too. This moment is not the end. God promises that.
Plus, when the group benefits from what they do, that is a reflection of what Jesus does for us. Even when we don’t measure up, he still carries us – and all of us still benefit from what he did for us.
(More coming soon in the final article in this series, Failure, Part 4: When The Church Fails.)
(Photo by Emertz76 | Flickr)
